Coping with Change
Catching up with Cade
After racing Pewaukee I was tired. With Cade up all night and then a higher intense workout that I haven't been used to, all I wanted to do was take a nap, but Cade didn't really allow that. He acted very similar to the day/night before so I think he was having a growth spurt. A few days of his fussy and constant eating, he seemed to have exploded in size. He suddenly didn't fit into his newborn clothes and he could finally wear his cute 3 month clothes. I was rocking him and I couldn't believe how much he has changed in 3 months. I started getting sad thinking about putting away his newborn clothes.
Week 3 vs. 3 Months
I love watching him grow and change and become a happy boy, but they are right when they say it goes fast! There are plenty of moments that I sit and soak it in. I admire his perfect skin, embrace his soft touch of his hand, admire his facial expressions he has, and tear up as he talks to me. One evening he was in the "witching hour" of not wanting to sleep and crying. I put him in his rock and play to look at him and sing. As I sang he stopped crying looked at me and started to smile. Then he proceeded to start to "sing" with me in all his coos and noises. I couldn't help but tear up in pure joy in that moment. Matt had sent me a blog/article about the "first 100 dark days". It summed up the experience pretty well. He also mentioned someone wrote about "the summer that never was". This has been my life. I have been stuck inside for most of my days, rocking my baby to sleep for what seems to be 75% of it, nursing him for 20% and then playing, smiling and talking with him for the other 5%. I have learned to absolutely embrace this part of my life and this "summer" I am having. My life will never be like this again. Of course Matt and I would like another baby one day, but that baby experience will not be anything like with the first because we will have Cade running around too and I won't get the same time of admiration in the same way (sorry future 2nd kid). The beginning of a newborn is so tough and emotional, but now the emotions have changed. In the beginning I was frustrated and scared, now, I'm more patient and understanding of him, I am deeper in love every day. It is an overwhelming feeling of emotion you just can't describe as you watch your child grow and start to interact with you. I even told Matt the other day he was going to think I was nuts for what I was about to say: if Cade wanted to stop nursing already, I would be sad. In the beginning of breastfeeding I told him whenever he was done I would be fine with it and I pretty much welcomed the day. Now that it doesn't hurt anymore, I enjoy our time together. When we are out and about, I love getting away and it just being us for that moment. I love that if he is upset, I have that ability to comfort him so quickly. I thought at the beginning it would never get better, but now I have experienced the change and do understand how it can be a wonderful experience. The one thing I still don't care for is how often he nurses and that the whole day revolves around it. Once I can get my freedom back will be great, but I will miss those moments together of him being silly as he pretends to eat, then pulls away to smile up at me- that little stinker is a jokester already!
And yes, his shirt says, "I Do Curls for the Girls"
I have had my good days and bad days, but I am truly thankful I have been able to be home with him for this "dark summer" and the things he has taught me. He has taught me to slow down and live in the moment. He has taught me a new kind of patience. He has taught me that the little things in life help us to develop in big ways. He has taught me that every little milestone and change should be celebrated no matter how small it seems so that we look forward to and aim for that next achievement. He has taught me to hold on a little longer, because you can't get these moments back. You really need to soak up every last second.
Yes, I've already known these things before but I respect their value in an entirely different way.
My therapy Thankfully, I do get my time of working out which is needed for my own sanity. People say that I'm amazing to be doing what I am doing. I appreciate the kindness, but don't think I'm all that. Working out and writing these blogs is my therapy. There are plenty of other mama's out there that do other things as therapy to cope with these major changes in life. For some rocking their child to sleep is their therapy. And don't get me wrong, I love it and I will miss it, but for me I don't want this change in my life to define me only as a mom- some do and that is perfectly fine, but that is my motivation in all of this; to have many definitions of myself. My goal is to raise this tiny human to be an independent, kind, gentleman that doesn't need his mom rocking him to sleep when he is 25 :) I know these days won't last, our relationship will grow and evolve, and I will need to continue to live my life as well. So my therapy in all of this is maintaining "me".
Some Mamas find their therapy in play dates and chatting it up with the other mamas, or going to get their nails done, listening to music, watching your TV show in silence for that 1 hour. All of these are wonderful things, but I sacrifice some of them to do my workouts and train. In order to get my therapy time and workout, it sure has taken an army. My mom comes over once a week for pretty much the whole day. I designate these days for my loooong bricks- they've been about 4 hours for the last 3 weeks. During the other days, I have now started to recruit my soccer players to babysit. My coach and her daughter came over to watch Cade while I swam. Huge shout out to her because she helped jump start my ability to get the help. Now that Cade is 3 months and not as hard of a baby as he was so young, I feel more comfortable having others come help. I had players meet me at life time so they could get me if they needed help. I discovered Cade is now old enough that I can bring him to the child center at life time, so from now on I'll have the soccer players come over while I ride the trainer for an hour or so.
Relationship Having this extra help has been great for me, but also great for Matt and me. When Matt gets home it can be even harder if I have to still workout so we don't get to spend that time together.
Exhibit A: He comes home from a day of work to hang out with me while I workout if I haven't gotten it in during the day.
Most nights, one of us is rocking Cade so we don't spend a ton of time together as it is, but we will always take what we can get. My mom has given us so much of our weekend time back as well by helping me get those long workouts done during the week. Maintaining a relationship is hard with a child when the child becomes so demanding of your time and attention that you once spent together. I do believe Matt and I have done a decent job at working through it together, but it does take work. We both have to make an effort to keep communicating and acknowledge each other. I'm so grateful that we both care so deeply about each other and our relationship that we are both willing to put forth that effort for each other.
Date nights definitely don't look the same- This "date night" we walked with Cade to get Gelato in Huntley. (BTW- Manny's is REALLY good!)
But we make an effort to not lose us. It is because of US and our love that gave us this little boy to love and we can't forget that. And in the end, it will be just US once more. We are the foundation and we have to keep that strong.
So a lot has changed, but you embrace it, live in the moment, and love that part of your life, because soon you will have to adapt to what will change next.
